Finding My Identity

As a woman who is a follower of Jesus Christ, I have struggled with who and what my true identity is for most of my life.  I became a follower of Christ about thirty years ago and immediately the indoctrination began of what was acceptable and what was most definitely not.  I had a pretty good idea about the basics, because I was raised in a “Christian home” and knew right from wrong.  I also chose to go my own way once I got out of the house and led a life that was a little on the wild side.  Nothing salacious, just the regular stuff that every young person experiences once they get out from under their parents influence…and heh, this was the ’70’s folks, if you get my drift.

But then I “saw the Light” and knew that my “ways” had to change.  I was a good moral person, I wasn’t wasted all the time and I even took care of the land lady’s trash and trimmed her hair in exchange for a reduction in the rent.  No, I just knew things need to be different, that something was missing in my life.  That something, was a love that could never leave me.  A Love that would never give up on me no matter how much I screwed up.  A Love that was bigger than even my sweet husband that I had fallen deep in love with.  We began the journey together of learning about this “Love” and becoming Christ followers. 

On What’s Important

I have given serious thought to blogging and putting thoughts down for others to see.  I know that it’s not a good idea to rant about something/idea/experience when your hormones are raging and it’s over a hundred degrees outside.  Yes, I did say 100 degrees.  I realize my last post was over the top and that is why I have removed it.  I may not approve of the politics of the hour, but my ranting will not change it anymore than ranting about the weather.  A steady diet of negativity is bad for the soul, and the body.  There is too much to be thankful for. 

And I have a lot to be thankful for.  I am thankful for my beautiful family, a talented daughter (a writer in her own right) and  talented son in law.  A son that knows what makes people tick and manages them well and his beautiful wife with her gentle spirit.  I have a great partner and friend that I am walking through life with and discover new things about each day and we have our health and so much more. 

Friends, family, good food, good wine.  Yes, it’s hot.  Yes, it’s a different way of doing things than I would like. 

If I was in charge, things would be much different.  Boy, am I glad I’m not!   

Pass me the lemonade.

On Being Mortal

There is nothing like waking up in the middle of the night with a piecing pain in your chest, a dull aching feeling pain in your arm, nausea and the unsettling feeling that you may be having a heart attack to get your attention.  Such was my experience three weeks ago in a city away from home while on “vacation”.  I put the vacation in quotes because what I had planned to be a time away from phones, obligations,  and the like turned out to be disappointing in many aspects because of rain for a solid week and my overblown expectations.  I had also planned a much too much road trip for one week requiring eight to nine hours in the car each day on the interstate.  Need I say more? What was I thinking? 

I did see some beautiful country in retrospect and if I could have just let go of  the tight grip on my agenda and accept the rain as the gift from God for the people of Kentucky and Tennessee that had been in a drought for the past year, perhaps I would have enjoyed it more.  Perhaps.   My husband is much more phlegmatic than I am and just seemed to let it roll off of him like a duck, literally.  We purchased rain ponchos and hiked in the rain until even I could not slog through the mud anymore.  He was happy to be home in the state of his birth and be able to look up at real mountains.  All I saw were mountains enshrouded in rain.  Bah! 

As we began our trip home we encountered the nightmarish traffic on I-40 and about two million 18 wheelers determined to kill us.  Between that and having to dodge cars going 80 miles an hour, I was a wreck by the time we got to our destination that night.  That’s when I woke up with back and chest pains and nausea that had started earlier in the evening.  I woke my husband who was more that willing to take me to the hospital, but I declined, took an aspirin and eventually went back to sleep. I felt extremely tired the next day and my husband drove the rest of the way home (another 8 hours).  I had another incident a few days later after spending time in the garden, again, chest pain, nausea and tingling in my left arm.  This time, we call the local EMS.  They came, ruled out anything serious but advised I see my local doctor.  He referred me to a cardiologist who set me up for a stress test and nuclear stress test. 

Just the idea of a stress test and the nuclear stress test, sent me into orbit;  so much so that I had a full blown migraine the day before!  My massage therapist jokingly said “it’s a good thing you didn’t have to study for it!”

I am so ridiculously intense that I just knew I would fail!  One the day the I  took the test I kept asking the technicians as they injected me with the nuclear material and watching  my heart on a screen, ” That’s good, right?”  To which they would answer to my frustration impassively, “oh, yeah”.

Two weeks passed while I waited for the results with instructions to not exercise until I heard for the doctor.  I am a goer and doer.  I don’t like being told not to do.  I really don’t like being told that I am MORTAL.  But during this two weeks, I have received a rare gift.  I have piddled.  I have read.  I have dallied in my garden, not toiled.  I have baked bread, but it has not been work, but a joy.  I have sat on my back deck and listened to the birds.  I have made love more.  I have prayed more and been still.  I have done things I wanted to do  because I wanted to do them.   I have hurried less. 

I have thought about blogs I could rant about.  About how it grieves me what it happening to our country, President Obama, the health care system, taxes and so on. But in the end, I thought, why?  I will save my energy and my life for positive thoughts and people. 

Yesterday, I went to receive my report from the cardiologist.  All tests came back normal.  I have a good heart.  I can return to exercising.  I have no need to return to the cardiologist.  I hope the lessons I have learned in the last  three weeks stay with me for a lifetime.  I want to savor the life I have been given.  I want to shed the old life of being the tightly wound clock of a human like a snake sheds it’s old skin  and move to the rhythms of a new life. 

 I have been given a gift of being reminded I am mortal, and it’s okay.