The Tea Cart is Gone

No more reminders

Yesterday I had a yard sale.  It was a lot of hard work, but satisfying in that I was able to unload a lot of unnecessary stuff that I had been hanging on to for years.  It felt good to pass it on to others who will use it or sell it.  What we didn’t sell, we quickly loaded up and took to the local community thrift store that uses the monies for various social needs.  We met some interesting people and in the end it felt like we had shed about fifty unwanted pounds metaphysically.

One of the items in the yard sale that I sold was a tea cart.  I wanted to get rid of it.  It was a tea cart that my mother bought for me after giving to my sister her antique tea cart that had been given to her by her mother in law.  This was my mother’s way of saying “See, I haven’t forgotten you”.  But I will always feel that it said, “You are second best”.  My sister, being the first born received the best of everything. My mother’s crystal, her jewelry, her house, the rocker she rocked both of us in, it just goes on and on and on.  When she gave my sister her cedar chest, she bought me a replica…just like the tea cart. So why don’t I feel better?

Here I am, a grown woman with my own home, my own furniture and someday I know someone will be having a yard sale of my stuff.  It’s all stuff.  Why do we attach such meaning to stuff?  Or is it the stuff? 

When God put us here on Earth he created us for relationship.  We are the ones that broke that fellowship.  Since that time we have looked to others to find our value, our self worth, our meaning.  As crazy as it sounds, that’s what it boils down to.  What you wear, how much you make, where you live, what kind of grades you make, who you hang out with in school, and on and on.  Sadly, it starts at home.  The first place we look for our worth is from our parents.  They are the first imprint on the mold of the child.  If the parent is loving, kind, values the child for who she is and not how she performs, she will grow to know that she is worthy of love.  If the parent loves her only when she performs a certain way, or is compared constantly to another sibling, she will grow uncertain of who she is; constantly trying on different personalities to see if any will please the parent/god.

Passing on a piece of jewelry, a tea cart or rocking chair is not that big of a deal really.  It is the memories of the person behind the stuff;  of who it belonged to and what it is saying by “I want you to have this”.  I got none of that.  For whatever reason, it is what it is.  In their own way, my parents felt I was “okay” and didn’t need anything.  But that’s not the point.  I didn’t need any stuff.  I needed their “okay”, and I never got that. 

I have looked for approval all my life.  Through the eyes of the church, the PTA, even random “they’s”.  Such as “they say, you should always keep your house tidy and clean”, “they say you should always be sexy and appealing when your husband arrives home from work”, “they say you should be involved with every activity your children are in at school and know all their friends”, “they say you should have a job outside the home that is professional and brings home at least 2/3’s your husband’s salary,” they say, they say, they say.  After years of listening and following the they says, I am exhausted.

 Perhaps you may think it a bit too simplistic but I am trying to listen to different voices.  One that I am clinging to is: And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.
Ephesians 3:17-19 (in Context) Ephesians 3 (Whole Chapter)Ephesians 3:19
May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.  

As I listen to this voice more and the other “they” voices less, I will re-affirm that I really am “okay”. 

Tags: family dynamics, God, memories, perfomance based love, Relationships, yard sales