Having landed a job a as a school secretary/registrar I am around children all day. This allows me ample opportunity to experience all the blissful moments of motherhood without having to take them home at the end of the day. Well…I take that back. I was there two days and I caught a nasty cold, but that ’s a different story. My office is constantly overrun with students that have forgotten their lunch, need to call home for various emergencies like, 1.Can they spend the night with Jenny? 2. Can mommy bring their lunch? 3. Can mommy bring them their back pack , etc. There are also students turning in permission slips for field trips, slips excusing absences, and students picking up papers for their teachers. However, before the students leave my office 85% of them invariably will leave something behind for me.
That’s right folks! Little Marcy and cute little Johnathan break wind just as they exit my office. I have thought about burning a scented candle to try to improve the odor in the room, but I’m afraid that when little Shelby cut loose it just might cause a flash fire!
I’m not quite sure what why it is so bad. You would think after three years of substitute teaching I would be used to it. I mean there is nothing worse than a 6th grade boy cutting loose in a science lab. If you think you had trouble controlling a class before as a sub, it’s all over after that! Why is it that Men especially love to fart? Is it because they are so good at it ? I know one young man that thinks it is absolutely hilarious! I think he thinks that God created farting JUST FOR HIM!
I know he has no interest in sports what soever. However, the Olymics are coming up this summer. What if we had Farting as a entry? Can you imagine? I mean, why not? We have ping pong and who ever heard of that being a SPORT???? Can you imagine the entries? Whooooo boy! The entries! The gas you get after eating brats and beer from Germany! Or how about Mexico and the gas from beans and beer? Could curry be the secret ingredient that would have everyone beat pants down? Uhh….we’ll never know. Why? It’s not politically correct.
Everyone knows that cows produce methane that is contributing to the greenhouse effect. Some rancher’s and scientists are trying to control it by controlling what the cows eat. I suggest we go a step further. I suggest we introduce Beano into the drinking water into all municipal water districts. It should also be incorporated into all fast foods so that everyone is fart free. Bottled drinking water should also include beano. Forget fancy vitamin water and diet drinks that have vitamins and extra caffeine. Give me BEANO!!!!!!!! Make the world a better place to breathe!
I have a dream. A day when whoopie cushions will be a thing of the past. When little children can leave my office and I will be sorry to see them go.
Farts are gross. But with folks like Howard Stern and those jackasses from Jackass promoting farts as la haute comedie, our opinion on the matter may be something of a minority perspective. This is why your idea is so great. It’s like a subversive, rebel attack on the farters of this world.
The diet for a Gold Medalist in Flatulence: Cabbage, split pea soup, raw broccoli, whole wheat anything, beer, beans, cheese, and boiled eggs.
Sounds pretty healthy, actually.